Butterflies

Yes, we’ve been standing here, multiple times,

Now you’re alluring, I’m wondering why.

Don’t dare approach in your fine leather crimes,

You know, yet you reach. How witting. How sly.

Silently swooning – yes, cue in the shy,

Cue in the wistful, outwardly hostile.

Reckon it’s too late, to turn back the dial?

 

Dabbling in some rime royal this week, for #YeahWrite. Shout-out to @KatieEntner for making this happen!

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7 thoughts on “Butterflies

  1. This perfectly captured that feeling of butterflies in the stomach. I think my favorite part is “cue in the shy” because isn’t that just how it goes? What I loved so much about this is that it shows me something different every time I read it.

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    1. Hi Michelle! I think I connect more with the ‘outwardly hostile’, that comes from a self-preservation perspective, but generally, it’s an ‘all-of-the-above’ kind of reaction to unwarranted feelings. Thank you so much for reading!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I love that you tried a more complicated scansion pattern. The two unaccented syllables in the beginning and ending of each line created a breathlessness for me. I was curious who the “you” was. At first I read it as the crush, but the more I read it the more I think this poem is an internal pep talk. “Fine leather crimes” is such an interesting phrase; I wonder what it means.

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    1. I went back to find what you were talking about and yes, I see the ambiguity of ‘you’. I didn’t know I’d done that! In my opinion, ‘fine leather crimes’ is alluding to how ridiculously attractive the protagonist finds the crush in his leather jacket; a smooth criminal, if you will.

      Thank you for reading, Nate! The scansion took a while and a whole lot of feedback from Katie.

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  3. Congratulations on your crowd fave win!! 😀 Your reworking of the scansion has turned out really well! I like how the tone of “fine leather crimes” is echoed in some of the other word choices, like “hostile”, “witting”, “sly” and even “reckon”, and the fact that you end with a question. It has a totally different tone than the earlier draft, a much stronger one, because of these word choices. Great job!

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    1. Oh Katie, this wouldn’t have been possible without the feedback you provided. Thank you so much!
      I’m much happier with this version of the scansion as well. Took the life out of me though, to get the rhythm down. I needed a thesaurus for most of my rhymin’.
      Thank you, thank you, thank you!

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